When C.S. Lewis wrote down The Srewtape Letters, he used his intuition along with insight from the Holy Spirit to ascertain what one of Hell’s middle managers would say about corrupting humanity. I’ve attempted the same thing through prayer, and here is what I uncovered.
To: All U.S. Staff
CC: Beelzebub@Pandemonium.org; Mammon@Pandemonium.org; Belial@Pandemonium.org; Leviathan@Pandemonium.org; Asmodeus@Pandemonium.org
BCC: Slubgob@Pandemonium.org; Screwtape@Pandemonium.org
Subject: A Special Message from Dripnail
Greetings, U.S. Tempters:
It’s a pleasure to reach out to you during the first phases of our latest transition. I know a lot of you are excited by the imminent collapse American freedom. However, I must remind you that the suffering caused by terror and oppression isn’t our immediate concern- those things are for after the humans pass through our gates. Our objective is using the strife to lead the American humans away from the Enemy. Freedom is something our Enemy favors, and we want either a phony version of it, or its complete removal.
We have multiple options in making this happen, and several possible outcomes that are favorable to us. These are based on our understanding of the Enemy’s Hierarchy of Purpose. He set it up so that righteous actions depend on those actions serving a higher purpose or cause. For example, American patriotism is good only when that patriotism serves the function of maintaining human liberty. Liberty, in turn, is only good if it serves human rights and dignity. Human rights are only important because humans are made in the Enemy’s likeness. Our Enemy, egotist that He is, has set Himself and His glory at the top as the supreme purpose that determines what is good. Therefore, our goal should be focusing the Americans’ attention on a purpose- any purpose- other than the Enemy.
We can take a lesson from our colleagues in the European Division during what the humans call the Second World War. The only person a Socialist hates more than a capitalist is the wrong kind of Socialist. That’s how our European tempters got Germany’s National Socialists to wage war with Russia’s Soviet Socialists. The war itself wasn’t the point- it was that both the Nazis and Communists were so agitated by each other, they were distracted from seeking the Enemy’s Kingdom. That’s why the goose-steppers from both sides are now securely in our possession.
If we can get Americans obsessed with themselves or their ideals without thinking why those ideals are important, we’ll make them just as oppressive and intolerant as our Socialist prey. Since America is a free society with diversity of opinion, we have many routes we can take. It’s even possible we can have all the tyrannies gain power and break the country apart into separate territories. We have partially done this already along racial lines. By constantly reminding Blacks of the slavery and persecution their ancestors endured, we’ve made them paranoid and more concerned with “the struggle” than being American citizens. We have isolated them, and thus prolonged segregation for many years after passage of the Civil Rights Act.
Paranoia is the name of the game going forward. We’ve always utilized the humans’ insecurities against them. This time, we want them thinking the worst about the opposing parties. You tempters with liberal patients will have a simpler time with this, as evidenced by the last election. Your subjects tend to have active imaginations, but lack the discipline to think their motivations through. We have them thinking that Mitt Romney likes greedy bankers and wants women to be raped. The Leftists feel the need of community more strongly than other humans. The Enemy wants them bonding to and around Him, but we want them communing with the State. We have them worshipping the Democratic Party idols, therefore making them highly compliant to its politicians. Tempters of liberals, since they have easier work, will have the added task of utilizing their patients.
Our elite tempters have caused the politicians in the Beltway to provoke the common people with invasive legislation and executive orders. The legality of any of these measures is irrelevant to us; we want confusion and doubt to spread. We’ve leaked enough stories of corruption, domestic spying, and voter fraud to make Americans question whether their leaders are legitimate. This is despite our Enemy’s claim that He’s the one who installs governments on Earth for the sake of peace. But remember the Hierarchy of Purpose- if we get the government to forget about the Enemy’s will, it will focus on its own will and by definition serve our goals.
Thanks to our Philological Department, we’ve changed the meaning of the word “conservative” to mean “rigid”. American conservatives are rigid in their expectations, so they’re easy to anger when they don’t get their due. They’re more independent in their thinking, so their tempters will need to stroke their egos and tell them they’re smarter, better Americans. The only person a Republican hates more than a Democrat is the wrong kind of Republican, so we have a nice little internal struggle between the “Establishment” G.O.P and the “Tea Party”. No conservative trusts Washington politicians anymore, so we might have a revolt on our hands. Just as long as the Right worships “Lady Liberty”, the “Constitution”, or the “Shining City on the Hill”, and not the Enemy, who those things are meant to serve. Leviathan forbid they learn the Constitution is useless withouth the Enemy’s Kingdom.
As for everyone else who doesn’t follow current events, let’s keep it that way. Average humans have a natural distaste for conflict, so the chattering classes will cause them disgust and cynicism. Apathy is our method of sapping life out of them. We like to give them problems in pairs, so they’ll either become Commie Bastards, Right-Wing Nutjobs, or sheep. The Enemy offers them solutions through their prayers, but let’s not give them time to pray. This Great Recession we’ve developed has them desperate for work or handouts. Keep reminding them they need to eat, and they’ll be too scared to think of anything beyond what’s in front of them.
In closing, let’s keep the battles raging. We may be united, but if we teach them to value their own strength and self-worth, we have them. It sounds strange to teach our values to those we intend to devour, but we’re setting the contest on our terms. Humans are merely copies of the Enemy and can only succeed by drawing on His power. We are the true originals.
To our continuous dominion over the Earth. All Hail Our Father Below!
Dripnail, Regional VP, U.S. Operations
Pandemonium, Section K, Ste. 148
“Keep your stick on the ice!”